Jim's Blog Cabin

"A secret method at my disposal permits me to do anything."

Friday, January 20, 2006

oops

sometimes blogs are like old friends, in that you forget you have them and you haven't hung out with them in a while and so you look them up and immediately remember why (because last time they spent the weekend at your house they got so drunk they pee'd on the archie comics section of your bookshelf); or sometimes blogs are like old drug habits and everyone is like "duuuuude why don't you do that anymore it was so fun" and you're like "basically it's too expensive and also my guy went to jail;" or maybe sometimes blogs are really just like puking in public and it's way funny when everyone else does it but then you give it a whirl and you're like "ew, did i even eat that?? it looks like a kinder egg toy. what are you looking at?"

Sunday, October 02, 2005

write what you know everybody knows

so GUYS, i was just watching this comedian, the real kind? the kind that's on tv? you know the kind. and this comedian totally kicked some fucking K-N-O-W-L-E-D-G-E. that spells knowledge when you take the dashes out.

now i know why my life has no direction. males, aka guys, aka men, aka dudes, aka boys, aka humans with penises (well, humans with one penis each) (i think this is still the current definition, btw, but i don't want to step on anyone's penis/toes so if there have been some addendums please let me know) well, they HATE asking for directions? they hate it so much! they really really hate it so hilariously, too. there are all sorts of jokes you can make about how they hate asking for directions.

so if anyone has any direction for me, please let me know! I would even accept directions, plural. i have no problem transgressing the conventions of my gender-genre. i already do this in a number of very appealing ways. see my use of "they" in the previous paragraph! feel free to ask more!

Sunday, September 11, 2005

there is a place in hell

reserved for whatever asshole made this mailbox:



everyone knows mailppl are afraid of dogs! that's fucked up. and to make them bend over like that, those bags are heavy and rough on the knees!

btw, the place in hell is a table right outside the bathroom and it has a sign on it that says "heartless and clever bastards," and sitting at it you will find the nickelodeon exec who gave a young germaphobic obsessive compulsive mark sommers his shot at tv stardom as host of double dare.

Wednesday, September 07, 2005

not so many ha has in this hurricaine

you may (or most likely may not) have noticed that i've stopped posting for the past week. this is because i've been very "busy" reading 6+ hrs a day of news items about ol' katrina, so my merry making impulses have been significantly snuffed out (almost made a "really big wet blanket" joke here).

well, it was kind of funny when barbara bush said that the poor were actually making out pretty well on this whole disaster deal, because texas is so welcoming and nuturing (especially to black people, i hear), and hey, really, they were poor anyway so how were they not already in the shitter (albeit not an overflowed shitter until recently)? but that's only because it's always a little bit funny to imagine pushing an old dottering woman down a large hill. for fun.

and this picture was kind of funny:





but only because at this point i imagine that that's most likely how he'd react to my pushing his old dottering mom down a large hill. it pretty much seems like his default reaction to just about everything. it makes you wonder if cartoon bad guys will soon have their evil laughs replaced with goofy guffaws, which are arguably much more terrifying.

oh and it was a little bit funny how scott mcclellan underwent the white house press corps equivalent of a Critical Beatdown yesterday (finally). to witness him inserting the cutesy new talking point (and hopefully future game show) "The Blame Game" an impressive 7 times during the press conference is only enhanced by the wordsmithery he employed when he used the unlikely active variant "blame-gaming" TWICE. i was truly sad to note the absence of blame-gammery, blame-gamification, blamin' n' gamin', game-blameing, blamma-gamma, a game that involves blaming, blaming for sport, kind of like tiddly winks but instead you are blaming instead of flipping plastic discs onto that thingy, or assigning responsibility for massive disregard for human life resulting in a national tragedy.

oh i jest with that last one, obv!

but seriously folks, the back and forth is just so poetic sometimes in these press conferences:

MR. McCLELLAN: We can engage in this blame-gaming going on and I think that's what you're getting --

Q No, no. That's a talking point, Scott, and I think most people who are watching this --

MR. McCLELLAN: No, that's a fact. I mean, some are wanting to engage in that, and we're going to remain focused --

Q I'm asking a direct question. Is he confident --

MR. McCLELLAN: We're going to remain focused on the people.

Q -- that he can secure the American people in the event of a major terrorist attack?

MR. McCLELLAN: We are securing the American people by staying on the offensive abroad and working to spread freedom and democracy in the Middle East.

Q That's a talking point. That's a talking point.

MR. McCLELLAN: No, that's a fact.

Go ahead.

Q No, it's not.


hmmm, questionable use of the term "fact" there, but that's nothing new. what is something newish, and becoming increasingly more common, is that mcclellan has basically stopped the whole "answering questions" thing and literally repeats a variant of "this is not the proper time to talk about that" over and over and over. tsk tsk, the nerve of the press, asking questions of the press secretary like that! r-u-d-e!

ok, so i guess i was wrong. this shit is hilarious!

:(

Wednesday, August 24, 2005

comedy night at the VFW

"i just flew in from iraq, and boy are my arms missing!"

:(

like a Pat out of hell

i'm really glad people are taking this Pat Robertson thing and running with it. i mean, clearly, the dude is crazy. what i don't get is that some people seemed to be surprised by this most recent faux-Pat. this is a guy who proudly wears his blackened heart on his sleeve. he has perhaps talked more shit on more of the earth's population, living and dead, than any other human ever has. i don't have any sort of historical shit-talk-ometer with which to prove this assertion, but i think we can all agree that the angry lil guy casts a pretty fucking ginormous net of seething disapproval and righteous loathing.

at least the Chavez thing was about ONE guy. usually he's a bit more willy nilly, like when he said that feminism encourages women to, "to kill their children, practice witchcraft, destroy capitalism and become lesbians." hoo boy! something got by the 700 Club fact checkers that day. oops! come to think of it, if that were true, i'd still pretty much be ok with 3 out of 4 of those suggestions; i will let you figure out which ones.



newsflash! pat robertson has said enough totally insane shit to keep us all barfing from the heady combination of abject terror and incredulous bemusement for all eternity! the guy prays in hatespeech, for chrissakes! oops, i just took the name of the lord in vain....::looks around for homosexual to blame::

here are some choice selections, enjoy!

If anybody understood what Hindus really believe, there would be no doubt that they have no business administering government policies in a country that favors freedom and equality.... Can you imagine having the Ayatollah Ruhollah Khomeini as defense minister, or Mahatma Gandhi as minister of health, education, and welfare? The Hindu and Buddhist idea of karma and the Muslim idea of kismet, or fate condemn the poor and the disabled to their suffering.... It's the will of Allah. These beliefs are nothing but abject fatalism, and they would devastate the social gains this nation has made if they were ever put into practice.-- Pat Robertson, The New World Order, p. 219

hmmm, besides an apparently complete lack of understanding of both kismet and karma, pat sure picked an interesting target. ghandi? that is the dude you're picking to fuck with? GHANDI? let's see, social gains associated with ghandi...gimme a sec...um...delivered 320 million indians from brutal british colonial rule? that's one. inspired the doctrine of truth and nonviolence later used in the civil rights movement? check. fought vehemently against untouchability and the caste system? ding!

maybe pat is miffed because ghandi used to say shit like:

"As soon as we lose the moral basis, we cease to be religious. There is no such thing as religion over-riding morality. Man, for instance, cannot be untruthful, cruel or incontinent and claim to have God on his side".

and then

"The only people on earth who do not see Christ and His teachings as nonviolent are Christians".

OOOOOOHHHHHHH DIIISSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS

booyah grampa! that's gotta hurt. i can just picture pat all up in ghandi's face:





howsabout this doozy:

[Planned Parenthood] is teaching kids to fornicate, teaching people to have adultery, every kind of bestiality, homosexuality, lesbianism -- everything that the Bible condemns.-- Pat Robertson, The 700 Club television program, April 9, 1991

oh no shit? sweet! i have been looking for someone to teach me how to have adultery FOREVER! and let's see....somehow planned PARENTHOOD doesn't seem too likely to have a stake in the whole bestiality "debate." but let's take his word for it, and head on down to what is obviously the sexiest place in town!!! i'mma learn me how to fuck pigs!

Bonus Fun Fact: Pat's shout out to a shoot out re: Hugo Chavez marked the first time 94% of the 700 Club's audience had ever heard of him. or venezuela.



UPDATE! He's Pat it again! (sorry, seriously, that one was rough)

Pat is now saying he didn't say what he so clearly...said.

"I didn't say 'assassination.' I said our special forces should 'take him out.' And 'take him out' can be a number of things, including kidnapping; there are a number of ways to take out a dictator from power besides killing him. I was misinterpreted by the AP [Associated Press], but that happens all the time," Robertson said on "The 700 Club" program.

ok, buddy. yawn. ::does 2.5 seconds of research:: oh, here it is:

"If he thinks we're trying to assassinate him, I think we really ought to go ahead and do it," said Robertson on Monday's program. "It's a whole lot cheaper than starting a war."

geez louise, he's got a memory like swiss cheese. mayhaps he'd be more alert had he been drinking his own DIET SHAKE:

that's right, there is a pat robertson brand diet shake.

http://www.patrobertson.com/shakepromo.asp

you are supposed to drink it before bed (!) and it makes you more alert the next morning (!!!). who wants to bet that it's got 5000 mgs of boner suppressant in each serving?




Tuesday, August 23, 2005

loin the club!

oh ho ho, since i am going to be talking about japan in this post, the L/J nexus of that pun is extra offensive!! oh, levels.

so, remember when i posted about the popular trend of men in japan wearing "original pants," or loincloths, and lamented the lack of photos/evidence of said trend? no? well, i did, you jerk.

(stick with me for this one...)

lo - in behold!!! (oof!)



turns out they are called "classic pants" and not "original pants." so the pics were "lost in translation," fa fa fa.



say what you will, but as a new yorker currently crotchsweating my way through yet another sweltering summer, a loincloth seems hella inviting right about now. plus, i like what a loincloth says attitudinally. it says "i recognize that society dictates that i wear underwear, and i will wear underwear, but BARELY." (sweet lord the puns floweth forth today, huh.)

many thanks to my man on the inside, ryan, for keeping me "abreast" of the ups and downs of japanese underwear trends. and other japanese non-underwear related things, like, say, THE MOST TERRIFYING THING I HAVE EVER SEEN IN MY ENTIRE LIFE, AKA AN ELDERLY PERSON TRAINING DOLL FOR NURSES.



ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!! stop stop stop!



no no no no no no no no NOOOOOOOOOO



JESUS! could anything possibly be creepi...



oh fuck you, Sakamoto Model Company, FUCK YOU.

(p.s. read that caption again, they said "stool!")

Monday, August 15, 2005

and a voice between my legs said "DRAW ME!"

hooooooo boy, the dudes who draw peniseseses on the wall of the last stall in the bathroom on the third floor of the building where i work are fucking hacks, man. they presumably spend a helluva lotta time thinking about penises, yet somehow aren't so sure what they look like. i think i'll send away for a couple of copies of Art Instruction Schools' "Free Art Test" (you know, the one on tv late at night) and tape them tp the stall wall as a hint.


i think i'll replace the pirate with a well drawn penis. why the pirate? because i am fucking sick of pirates, man. i'd be pretty psyched if someone could assure me i wouldn't be hearing any more non-jokes about pirates, mullets, or ninjas for a while. actually, i just watched 3 Ninjas: High Noon on Mega Mountain (the 4th film in the 3 Ninjas series) on tv yesterday and it was pretty great, so mayhaps i am not so sick of ninjas as i had thought.

anyway, back to the boners. is there any excuse for this shit? you're in a bathroom stall, man, you have a fucking MODEL in there with you should you need to reference it. if you've somehow forgotten where the other testicle goes, take a lil' looksee, ok?

[aside: i just dictionary.com'ed testicle after being seized by an irrational fear that i was misspelling something so near and dear to me, and the definition is given as "a testis, especially one contained in a scrotum." ESPECIALLY? hahahahaha i love you, dictionary.com, i had no idea that there were degrees to which something is or is not a testicle. "is it in a scrotum? it is? oh, then that is REALLY a testicle you got yourself, there. how about that one? no scrotum? well, its not as testicley as this one but i guess it still counts."]